Wonderland
by Kiira13
Summary: Fenris would never have believed that one woman would bring about the first happiness he had felt since the lyrium was burnt into his skin. A songfic based on lyrics from the song 'Wonderland' by Rachel Fuller. Part of my 'Sing Me A Love Song' collection. Critique and comments please!


**Wonderland**

_There's a little box in the corner_

_Wrapped nicely to entice you_

_And draw you in_

_There's a note that's saying 'Eat me'_

_And against your better judgement_

_You have to_

_Look Inside..._

As I entered the cool marble entryway of my mansion an unfamiliar scent reached my nose. It wasn't the usual smell of old blood, rotting corpses and rot that filled the air, it was something rich and warm, and it made my stomach contract and release with a loud gurgle.

In response to the unknown, my hands whipped up and pulled my sword from its sheath across my back. Blood flew off the steel blade as it swung around - the remnants of my last mercenary contract. I held the sword at the ready as I crept along the polished tiles, alert for any sound and being careful to make none of my own. But there was nothing in the main hall, or on the stairwell.

I slowly pushed open the door to my room, the only room I really kept in any liveable condition. The usual clutter of empty wine bottles, rubbish and general debris littered the floor, just as normal. But as I stepped inside, an anomaly caught my eye.

Against the wall that my bed was pushed against, there was a neatly wrapped box – the source of the strange scent wafting through the mansion. I cautiously walked towards it – it was small and perfectly wrapped in brown paper, tied with a crimson ribbon. I crouched down and tugged at one end of the ribbon, letting the paper fall away.

The box was made of white card and had a note resting on the lid. In clear, neat calligraphy it said "You can't live off wine you know. Eat this."

It was not signed or initialled in any way, but a flowery scent clung to the note – a scent that I knew well. _Hawke..._

A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I lifted the lid.

_But before you walk away_

_Won't you take me in?_

_Won't you hear me when I say..._

The whispering sigh of skin on skin and lips on lips filled my ears, and her flowery scent filled my nose. Our passionate love was as slow and burning as a flow of lava, unstoppable and irreversible. She was imprinting herself on my heart, my mind and my soul. I would never be the same again. Aleyda Hawke, my love.

As I pulled her closer to me, sealing our two bodies together, she parted her cherry blossom lips and sighed one word, _"Fenris..."_

Her soft murmur sent a shockwave through my body. A thousand images filled my head, all of two faces – Denarius and Hadriana. They were saying my name – "Fenris. Fenris. Fenris."

Loud and soft, whisper and shout. Commanding, yelling, demanding, teasing, screaming, taunting, gloating. Faster and faster their faces flicked through my head, then an agonizing burst of pain rippled across each of my markings and a new name filled my mind, _Leto._

A small girl held my hand as we ran across the grass, she giggled happily and squealed, "I'm faster Leto!"

I laughed and looked across to the other side of the garden, where a kind-faced elf watched us while she gardened, a smile on her lips. My mother...

Then there was another burst of pain and the garden was slipping away, dissolving from perfect clarity into a jumbled mess of incomprehensible faces and names.

With a gasp I came back to myself, lying next to Hawke on her bed. I tried desperately to recall the wonderful burst of memory, to remember the names of my family, _my_ name, but I couldn't find them – they were lost.

I turned over and gazed at Hawke, she was asleep. Her ebony hair was splayed across the pillow and her crimson lips were parted slightly, smiling. How could I have dragged her into the mess of my life? How could I spoil her like this? She deserved better than me.

I pulled myself from her embrace and slid off the bed. As I stood and turned to my pile of clothes on the floor, I heard a whisper from behind me, "Fenris, I love you."

I spun around and my gaze fell on Hawke, her eyes were tightly shut and her breathing was deep and even, she must have been talking in her sleep. But this quiet whisper ripped the remnants of my happiness to shreds. What had I done?

_I will hold you_

_I will catch you_

_When you feel like you're falling_

_When you feel like you're falling_

_I'll be near you_

_I will hear you_

_When you're calling_

_When you're calling_

I swung my sword around, deftly duelling with the captain of the band of slavers. The shockwaves from blocking the blows reverberated up my arms, I was tiring. The bright glow from my markings illuminated the sweat streaming down my arms and the frenzied concentration on the face of my opponent. Then, with a deft twirl of his blade, the captain knocked me off balance and swung his sword around towards me – leaving a long, deep gash down my arm. I screamed in pain and bent over the wound, bracing myself for the finishing blow.

But instead, I heard a scream from the captain. I lifted my head in time to see a long, thin blade being pulled from his chest. He fell to the ground to reveal Hawke standing behind him, covered in blood and wearing a horrified expression.

"Hawke." I whispered, then my vision flickered and I felt myself falling to the ground. But a strong pair of hands caught me and pulled me up. Hawke pulled me against her body, supporting my weight and keeping me upright. I felt her lips against my ear, "I will always be here for you."

_There's a bottle on the table_

_With a label saying 'Drink me'_

_Will you cross the line?_

_And you know you've been here a thousand times before_

_Intoxicated on the floor_

_Will you reach back for more?_

I surveyed the various bottles in the cellar, the stock was severely depleted. Over half of the racks on the walls were empty, and only three bottles of the Agreggio remained. I rummaged amongst the bottles on the racks, examining the names and dates. My lip curled - I had already drunk the wines from the good years, and I wasn't drunk enough yet to endure this filth. I slowly turned to the last bottles of the Agreggio, sitting on the centre table. The neatly handwritten labels paid tribute to their priceless value.

I took one of the dusty bottles into my hand and immediately had to suppress the urge to hurl it against the wall. It had too many bitter memories clinging to the spun glass for my comfort, but the crimson liquid inside was almost irresistible to my eyes.

I took the bottle back upstairs to my room and threw myself into the armchair by the fire. I uncorked the bottle and threw back my head, letting the spicy wine burn its way down my throat. As I drank, I fiddled with the crimson favour tied around my wrist, remembering one evening a week or so after that night I had spent with Hawke.

I had drunk my way through six or seven bottles of wine and was splayed across the dusty floor in a semi-conscious stupor, willing darkness to take me away from the mess of my life. And suddenly she was there. Hawke...

I saw the concerned expression on her face as she bent over me, lifting me off the floor and placing me gently on my bed. I felt her warm touch on my face as she swept my hair out of my eyes, and the soft pressure of her lips on my cheek, a kiss goodnight. How could she still care for me after everything I had done?

Maybe I shouldn't drink myself unconscious tonight, what if she came back? What if she didn't? I thought for a moment, then shrugged my shoulders and took another drink.

'_Cos pretty labels, pretty eyes_

_Will always hypnotize_

_Won't you hear me when I say..._

"Fenris?"

It was Hawke, coming into my room. I hastily shoved a half-empty wine bottle under my blankets, but I knew I hadn't fooled her. She smiled and gave an exasperated sigh, then walked – danced, to my eyes – across the room and sat down next to me on my bed.

"I've told you a million times that you should lay off the wine for a day or two." Her tone was disapproving but her eyes danced with laughter.

"I suppose I should pay more heed to the recommendations of the Champion of Kirkwall." I made my voice polite and formal, making fun of the respect the common populace paid her.

She burst into laughter, filling the room with the chirpy sound, and then she threw her arms around me, resting her head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her close to me as I felt the vibrations from her continued giggles against my skin. We stayed this way for a long time, I wasn't really keeping track. Every second blended seamlessly with the next, it was perfect bliss, just listening to each other's heartbeats and breathing. Then she pulled herself away gently and said, "I have a present for you."

I cocked my head to the side, "A present?"

She nodded, a smile playing on her lips. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a necklace. The chain was long and made of delicate strands of silver, coiling around each other gracefully. And suspended from the point where the strands met was a clear blue stone. A sapphire. It was skilfully carved, the edges perfectly straight and smooth, and the colour...

"It's the colour of your eyes." I murmured gently.

"Yes, so there will always be a part of me with you wherever you go. So you will never forget me." Her sweet scent washed over me, and I pulled my gaze from the blue crystal into her eyes, her perfect sapphire eyes.

I felt like I was falling into their endless depths, an ocean of perfect blue, flowing on and on until the end of the world. I was completely lost in her azure eyes, until a firm shake of my shoulder brought me back to reality. I blinked a few times and shook my head - trying to clear it - then said, rather stupidly "What?"

Hawke gave a loud sigh, "Didn't you hear what I just said?"

_I will hold you_

_I will catch you_

_When you feel like you're falling_

_When you feel like you're falling_

_I'll be near you_

_I will hear you_

_When you're calling_

_When you're calling_

I turned another page of the book, following the curled lines of script with my finger.

"_And Ser Aveline of Orlais raised her blade, calling a war cry to the enemy she faced, chilling his spirit and cur..."_

"Cur... curd... coord..." I tried to sound out the word, as Hawke had shown me, but everything I tried sounded wrong.

I read and re-read the word, getting increasingly frustrated as the meaning eluded me. I swore angrily in Qunari and threw the book to the other side of the room. My temper was becoming increasingly short as I watched Anders twisting Hawke to his own ideals, taking advantage of her trust in him to enact his twisted plans. I swore once again and got to my feet, too furious to sit still.

I crossed to the other side of the room and picked an unopened bottle of wine from the mantelpiece over the fire. I hadn't drunk any alcohol for over a week, trying to please Hawke – who disapproved heartily of my copious drinking. I hesitated for a fraction of a second before uncorking the bottle and lifting it to my lips.

"Fenris, you promised me." Hawke's quiet whisper came from the doorway.

The bottle slipped through my fingers and fell to the floor, smashing into a thousand glittering shards and spattering the crimson wine over my boots and the dusty tiles. I was afraid to turn around and meet her gaze, so I stayed frozen where I was and waited for the sound of her soft footfalls to reach me. She gently grasped my arms and turned me around to face her. There were dark rings under her eyes, paying tribute to the sleepless nights she had spent helping Anders with his mysterious tasks.

"You promised me that you wouldn't give up so easily on your reading."

I blinked a few times; this was not what I had expected at all. She smiled gently and walked me back over to my bed. She sat me down before releasing me and crossing over to the place where my book had landed. I sat quietly as she returned, sat down next to me and turned a few pages of the book.

"I'm not here to try and change you, Fenris. I'm here because I love you."

Her eyes stayed on the pages of the book as she spoke, and her voice was gentle. I watched, speechless, as she kept flipping pages until she reached the page which I had been reading just moments ago.

"Here, why don't you start again?" She held the book out to me and looked up.

My brow creased, "How did you know where I was up to?"

A smile formed on her lips, and the expression seemed to illuminate her whole face. She placed the book into my hands and whispered, "Fenris, I was outside the door the whole time."

_Eat me, drink me_

_Win me, lose me_

_Either way_

_You have to choose me_

As Aveline left the room and Hawke walked forward, I tried desperately to find a way of enacting my plan without involving her. As I opened my mouth and told her what I had found out about my sister, I watched the resolve form in her eyes, and my brain worked franticly, trying to convince myself that I shouldn't want her with me. But there was no way around it. She parted her lips and told me in her calm, even voice, "I'm coming with you."

Why did my heart leap with joy? Why did a smile form on my lips? Why wasn't I telling her no?

"It... would mean a lot to me if you came." Why was I telling her what was in my heart? I was supposed to be protecting her! But even as my despair flooded through me, I realised that I could not bear to have it any other way.

I knew that I could not follow this through without her at my side, her blade watching my back, her calm voice of reason cooling my head. She was my other half, and I needed her.

_Eat me, drink me_

_Love me, hate me_

_Either way_

_You can't escape me_

I watched Hadriana's body crumple to the floor, and I yanked my ghost hand out of her chest. There was never going to be a bargain with that evil bitch who had made my life an endless torment. As I stepped away from her corpse I expected Hawke to reprimand me - she was always going to talk before pulling out her sword, the complete opposite of me. But instead I felt her hand on my shoulder, "You're upset, do you want to talk about it?"

"No I do not want to talk about it!" My voice shook with rage, I wanted her to yell at me, to shout and scream and throw a punch at me. Then I could vent the fury that was pulsing through my body.

"Are you alright?" She whispered. And I did not want to hear the concern in her voice.

"Do not comfort me!" I snarled, and stomped away as fast as I could without actually running.

Why should she care how I felt? I abandoned her, left her alone. She was not supposed to care for me any longer; she was supposed to forget, so I would not taint her life with the infection that I carried in my skin. How dare she try to understand how I felt, or even _attempt_ to try? I broke into a run, shooting through the dark hallways as fast as an arrow from a bow. If I ran fast enough, I could leave it all behind me, my whole life.

The fresh air seemed to breathe new life into my lungs; it brought reason back into my brain. I was ashamed with the way I had shouted; she was only trying to help me. I took another deep breath and stayed still for a few moments before starting the long walk back to the city alone. Blaming Hawke was not going to help anything, because there was nothing I could blame her for. I could not erase the mark she had made on my life, I loved her – and this was never going to change.

_I will hold you_

_I will catch you_

_When you feel like you're falling_

_When you feel like you're falling_

_I'll be near you_

_I will hear you_

_When you're calling_

_When you're calling_

As Hawke and I travelled alone through the wilderness, not many had the nerve to attack us. A tall, mysterious woman covered head to toe in steel battle-plate and a lithe, muscled elf covered in glowing markings, both with greatswords slung across their backs, were not generally considered easy targets by rouges and bandits. But there were always the odd troupe who considered themselves tough enough to try and engage us - their corpses littering the undergrowth was a message telling otherwise.

We were in a forest somewhere in Antiva six months or so after we left the rest of our companions on a mountainside in the Free Marches. Travelling through forests was the best place to travel for me. My long-buried elven instincts came to the fore as we tracked game through the moss-covered trees. As I examined a footprint in the mud, Hawke walked a little way away from me to try and spot any game trails leading away from our position. The footprint was puzzling me, I had seen most types of forest animal track, and this did not resemble any of them – in fact it looked more like a...

I heard the bowstring twang just as I realised what I was seeing. "Hawke get down!" I yelled, but it was too late.

I heard the thump as the arrow buried itself in her chest and the surprised gasp that came from her lips as she fell to the ground. "NO!" I screamed, and my markings seemed to explode with light as anger washed through my body.

A shockwave of pure lyrium energy burst out of my body and exploded through the forest, killing the bandits that had been lurking behind the trees instantly. I stood, shaking, for a moment as the impact of what I had just done hit me. Then, an even bigger realisation hit me. "Hawke!"

I sprinted over to her body and fell to my knees beside her, "Hawke, Hawke, no!"

I grasped the arrow and pulled it out of her chest in one smooth movement before lifting her limp form into my arms and feeling at the base of her neck for a pulse.

There was none.

"NO! Hawke you promised you wouldn't leave me! You promised!"

I took a deep breath and felt inside of me for the power that controlled my lyrium markings. I felt my hand become insubstantial and misty, then gently pushed it into Hawke's chest. I searched until I found her life-force, and wrapped my hand around it, squeezing gently. I slowly massaged her heart, trying to force life into it once again.

"Hawke, Aleyda, keep fighting, you promised!"

I felt the tears forming in my eyes and falling off my cheeks and onto her face. My hand never missed a beat as I pumped her heart and the tears rolled down my face.

"Aleyda, you told me you would always be here for me, now _prove it!_"

I gave her heart an extra forceful squeeze and I felt it stutter under my hand.

"Aleyda?" I whispered.

Her heart stuttered once again, then again with more force, and then it started to beat of its own accord - at its normal tempo, pumping life through her body.

Hawke coughed and took in a deep breath, and her eyes fluttered open. "Fenris?"

I crushed her body to mine in a tight embrace and whispered into her ear, "I thought you'd left me."

She lifted her arms and wrapped them around me in return, "I told you that I would always be here for you."

She pulled herself away from me and looked directly into my eyes.

"And I always will be."


End file.
